That Time I Wrestled an Anaconda (& LOST)

Some cocks should really come with a warning label like 'choking hazard' or 'two person handling required' or something.

"It" had been a while and I was as toey as a Roman sandal. My vibrator wouldn't suffice this time. I needed to feel the weight of a man on me. So, I went online shopping and within a couple of hours, my order was delivered. I'd gone for Italian.

This polite, unassuming man was incredibly sweet and it was SO unnecessary. I didn't want chit chat, I wanted to be thrown around! I wanted skin on skin! I wanted delicious Italian sauce all over me!

To move things in the right direction, I planted a kiss on him and he instantly switched from Shy Guy to Mills & Boon character. I was equal parts relieved and impressed. We got handsy immediately.

I felt It before I saw It. When I ran my hand over his denim-clad crotch I thought I was hallucinating. They didn't make penises like that, especially not on 5'9" Italians, did they? It must've been his leg. Or a baton. Or a baguette? I checked again and the result was the same confusion. I'd literally lost touch.

He saw my expression and offered some clarity, "Yeah, I'm kind of big." Now, from my experience, whenever a guy tells you their dick is big, it's quite the opposite. (Word of advice for men, just don't talk about it. Whatever you're packing is great.) Filled with excitement, we got straight into it.

He kept kissing my neck and rubbing my crotch but all I wanted was to unwrap his member and be impaled! A figure of speech in that moment that was ultimately a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I knelt between his legs to unwrap his hog and OH BOY. The thing was huge. So huge in fact that even though it was erect, it bent downwards due to the sheer weight of the head. The head that was like a human fist, mind you. I'd never seen anything like it. It was like a whole separate being. It was like an anaconda and it turns out I was kind of scared of snakes.

I pulled myself together and decided to be brave. Women can push entire people out of that same hole - I could do this! And hey, it was gonna feel great. Right?

It was straight out of that episode of 'Sex And The City'. Y'know the one where Samantha sleeps with that guy with the huge cock that was hot (for the late 90s) but wasn't getting any because women everywhere were afraid of his dick? Yeah, that.

I wasn't letting this nice guy become that disappointed SATC man so, I got to work. I went down on him for a grand total of twenty seconds. I couldn't fit his head in my mouth let alone any more of him. I got the feeling he might've been used to that.

He flipped me onto my back, opened my legs wide and I started to relax, until I realised he wasn't about to pleasure me orally, he was coming in for the kill. I took a series of very deep breaths whilst I watched him use something resembling a wind sock to cover his door snake. gulp

It turns out fisting isn't for me. My vag hurt, my face still hurt, my spirit hurt. I pulled the old, "I have a leg cramp!" trick to buy myself some time and to see if I needed to call an ambulance. I did a couple of laps of the hallway with my fake cramp thinking about my next move. I glanced at the oven clock and it was only 8.15pm - couldn't get away with the "I have a really early start tomorrow" excuse.

He called out to ask if I was okay and I said I was, and that I was just going to the loo. I started to panic. I didn't want to continue having sex with him - I'm sure he'd already done some sort of irreversible internal damage, punching my cervix repeatedly with his Monster Cock.

An idea came to me: fake a period. At least 70% of guys freaked when you even mentioned the word and I decided those chances were worth the risk. I took my time and when I went back into the bedroom, I confessed I had some bad news: the sex had brought on my period early. What a shame! The words "Oh well. Next time..." even came out of my mouth to make it crystal clear that we were not resuming our "pre-cramp" activity. That worked and he left.

I felt bad for me as I was still unsatisfied, and bad for him as he probably faced bull shit excuses like mine all the time. I hope he went on to find some wonderfully loose, cervix-free woman with a hinged jaw.