That time I probably almost definitely had an affair with a married man

I like my men funny, STI-free, with teeth and wifeless. Maybe I'm asking too much?

It'd been almost a year since I'd split with my long-term partner and I was finally ready to get back on the horse. And I mean the literal horse. I was at the point where even just plugging in appliances was turning me on. Time was of the essence so I made a Tinder profile.

Within minutes (wonderful for my battered self-esteem!), I matched with this hot lawyer who did stand-up comedy on the side: jackpot. If the sex was no good, at least I'd get a laugh. We made a plan to meet up two days later, much to the relief of my homewares.

My disappointment was palpable when on the day I was due to break my drought, he cancelled an hour beforehand. "Too tired", apparently. I didn't know whether to be impressed that he didn't make up an extravagent excuse, or to be mad because he didn't.

He suggested the following night. I'd already done the thumb work so what was one more day?

We met for a drink the next night to which he was 40 minutes late. I would've left except that the band kept playing acoustic Beyonce covers. When he finally showed up, he was even hotter than in his pics. I like to think I'm not superficial, but it turns out I totally am. All was immediately forgiven.

He made me laugh in the first minute and was so affectionate... my loins! We chatted for about an hour and made out to Beyonce until the bar closed. I was ready to take this gorgeous man home, but one glance at his watch, he panicked and immediately had to go. No explanation and I didn't probe; it was none of my business.

I saw him again that weekend and it was ON. He came to my place and before I'd even managed to close the door behind him, he'd swooped me up, kissed me and asked where the bedroom was. The sex was passionate, intimate, had plenty of water breaks and felt great. My body was alive again!

After another cracking session, he left the room and moments later I heard the shower running. No cuddling? Rude. Things got weird when I heard an odd noise coming from the bathroom. I walked in on him squeegeeing the shower screen. In the moment, I was impressed! In hindsight, he did it in a panicked fashion (recurring theme) so it seemed like maybe the instructions from a strict housemate.

After his shower, he quickly got dressed and again with zero heads up, was out the door. He text me very late that night saying he wanted to see me again. That he had "strong" feelings for me and couldn't wait to see me again. His behaviour didn't reflect his words.

It took him days to reply to messages and when he did, wouldn't commit to plans. I told myself he was busy with work and stand-up. I hadn't been on a date in over eight years. Maybe this was how things were done now?

It got worse. We'd make plans and he wouldn't show, or he'd show up at my house in the middle of the night. Worse than that, when he didn't show, he wouldn't even give me a heads-up. I'd call to see if he was still coming and I wouldn't hear from him for days. When I did eventually hear from him, no apologies and no explanations.

His bullshit behaviour was wearing very thin, but, I was completely Cock Blind.

I started to get suspicious when one time he text me to say he was leaving home on his way to mine, and an hour later, he still hadn't arrived. The guy lived 15 minutes away. A week had passed and still no word. Like any normal woman, I assumed he was dead in a gutter somewhere.

On day SIXTEEN, I got home from work and he was propped up outside my door. Apparently his friend had been arrested the night he was supposed to come over and he left his phone in the convicted mate's car and only just got it back. Sure.

Another week past and he begged for another chance (yes, I should've blocked his number a long time ago). I'd made the decision to just use him for sex and phase him out, so when he said he'd make it up to me, I agreed out of curiosity. He took me out for dinner (which he was an hour late to) and Carl Barron at The State Theatre. I treated it as a last hurrah so when we had sex later, I made the most of it.

I said my silent goodbye and assumed based on the data I had that I wouldn't hear from this total time-waster again. Until six weeks later when I heard from this total time-waster again.

I was on a work trip in Melbourne and he called. He never called. Shock compelled me to answer. He asked where I was and what I was up to and I revealed I was at dinner with some comedians for work, to which he replied, "Do they know your boyfriend is a comedian?" Not only was this guy flaky, he was delusional. A scary combo.

Now that I had no time for him, he was all about me. Calling, messaging, wanting to meet - everything I wanted from him six month's earlier. My mind starting ticking over... maybe he wasn't available because he was already taken? Maybe he didn't show up when he was only 15 minutes away because his girlfriend's plans had changed? Maybe he now wanted me to be his girlfriend because his wife had found our explicit messages and left him?

It all came to a head (yes, in that way too, sorry) when I invited him over to tell him I was moving to Melbourne so we were over. I wanted to do it in person a) so it was crystal clear that he understood, and b) for a potential last shag. Yeah... it backfired.

I assumed he'd be disappointed given the outrageous boyfriend claim but since we didn't know each other, he'd get over it. His reaction was to tell me he was falling in love with me. I did the only thing I could do: tell him I was moving the day after tomorrow (in reality, it was still a month away) to get this guy out of my life ASAP.

Another five weeks passed and I heard nothing. His wife must've taken him back! Until he called to say he was applying for jobs down here. FFS. She must've kicked him out again. I told him in no uncertain terms to delete my number as I never wanted to hear from him again. I hung up and blocked him (better late than never). I still don't know what his relationship status was back then, but I wasn't running the risk of having an affair with a married man.