That time I gave birth to a butt plug

In my experience, men are all about the butt hole. They'll tell you they're not or "not fussed either way" and yet a finger, tongue or more, repeatedly wind up there.

I used to be unclear on what the fascination with butt stuff was until I put anal beads up a man and it caused an instant volcanic erruption. Funnily enough he told me he wasn't in to arse play and yet...

This is a total double standard, but whilst I've developed a casual obsession with getting guys to let me poke their date, I don't quite understand the appeal of anal sex for them. Like, I get it's tight but they know what's up there and yet they still go digging like they're gonna find cheap crypto or the switch that turns you into a porn star. Each to their own.

One night the man I had been seeing proudly presented me with a Princess Plug. For those who haven't had the pleasure, its a metal butt plug shaped like an oversized bullet with a pointy end jutting out from underneath a giant gem. Fancy, like a princess would have. It even came in a box with velvet lining! I'm not one to turn down a new sexual experience so I was happy to give it a go.

He suggested lube but I was feeling sexy so I said we didn't need it and sucked the tip of the plug to wet it, instantly regretting it as I tried to block out the thought that I didn't know where my new jewellery had been. I didn't even know if it was new. Gag. I lay back and after one big exhale and it was in.

To my surprise, it felt good. Over the years there have been anal attempts but it's never been pleasant. I think my balloon knot is shy. It closes up so tightly at the mere thought of anything or anyone entering it. This time showed early promise. We did everything we'd vaginally do but it felt better for us both as it made my vag tighter and to be honest, may well have found a porn star switch.

To give him the best view of this accessory that clearly turned him on, I got on all fours. Doggie had never felt better! He started playing with the plug: moving it around in small circles, applying a bit of extra pressure - it felt good. UNTIL my arse slurped it up like a string of spaghetti. Full Lady and The Tramp'd it. It was gone.

Once I'd done some exploration and realised I could still feel it and it wasn't lodged in a vital organ, I found the whole situation hilarious. Him? Not so much. I ended up having to reassure him: "What goes up must come down, right? It's science. Nothing to worry about."

The guy continued to apologise and offer solutions: "Can you push it out? What about some laxatives?" Sure, I'd try both. I took a bunch of laxatives, sat on the crapper and chucked Oprah a quick prayer. It wasn't budging so I called out for him to Google how to remove it and asked if he could bring some lube.

Google wasn't overly helpful, which I was very surprised about as I figured this kind of thing happened to Reddit users all the time. The laxatives would take hours to work so I decided to try and fish it out. I dug around, tried various squat positions but there was no way I could get a grip on it. I gave it more time, getting a full ep of Gogglebox in (laughter might help?) thinking that the surely my lunch would start to form a front line soon.

Another hour passed and I was desperate to get this thing out of me for obvious reasons, but also, and it may have been the plug talking, I was super aroused and wanted to pick up where we left off. I headed back to the war room (aka bathroom) and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it to budge. Was I going to have to have an awkward conversation with airport security every time I tried to leave the state now?

After an eternity in the bathroom, I realised I only had two options left. I walked into the living room and shared the two options: he could direct me to the nearest ER or he could get it out for me. His vote was for option two.

I explained he'd have to push the plug out through my vagina with his fingers by applying a downward pressure against the vaginal wall. He was game. I insisted on a towel underneath me as I couldn't guarantee there wouldn't be follow-through. Also, my lunch was a tonne of greek food, so...

Anyway, there I was, on all fours at the end of his bed, moaning like a farm animal as he attempted to get this thing out of me. Between many deep breaths, me telling him I needed to push and regularly asking him if it was out yet, he told me to keep breathing deeply and got very excited when he revealed my little princess was crowning! Safe to assume this whole experience bonded us.

After a few more seconds of me pushing and him pulling, out it came. I have never experienced a feeling like it. The combination of adrenaline and relief mixed in with some unexpected pleasure resulted in a high like I've never known. Through tears I scooped the plug up in the towel, held it to my chest and wept with joy. I've never had a child but I imagine that feeling was pretty close to drug-supported childbirth. Whilst I sat in my state of nirvana, thinking of baby names, he bolted to the bathroom to wash his hands. Fair enough.

We ended up having sex not long after. Afterwards I reassured him that tonight's incident didn't scare me off butt stuff forever, but I'd need a little bit of time to recover. Three weeks later he presented me with a much smaller rubber butt plug. Romantic, really.